Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
You Might Also Like
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Yes
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana