Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
You Might Also Like
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream