Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
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“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Me: No.
My kids: She didn’t say yes so we better ask again.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
*pronounces fake like saké*
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.