Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
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A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
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Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
I have a friend who can help get me admitted to clown college. He nose people.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.