Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
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My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
I’ve just seen someone in a twitter thread drama respond
‘I’m not reading all that you parcel’
and why are commonplace words used as insults just so fucking funny and so much more devastating than anything else you could spend ten minutes of your life trying to choose
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.