Who called pee urine when it’s clearly holey water?
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If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Siri: Retweet me.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
He wanted to make sure😂
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
logging onto twitter…
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl