Who called pee urine when it’s clearly holey water?
![]()
You Might Also Like
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
My job applications are getting rejections even before anyone interviews me so, instead of my resume I’m just going to submit a list of my greatest tweets and list my reply guys as references
My five year plan is a meteorite
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
I often miss my train in the morning. And during the rest of the day. I never should have given away that train
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Welcome to your 40s, you now don’t understand a single word anyone under 25 is saying