Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
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Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
If someone tells you to go fuck yourself, just get up and quietly leave the room and return in 7 minutes. They’ll always wonder….
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
Door dash is the closest thing I’ll ever experience to being actual royalty like bring me a dozen freshly made donuts and a bottle of your finest bourbon!
But your majesty, it’s 9:30 at night and…
I said be quick about it!
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
I love snow
– People who never shovel
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
That was easy.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
the lady behind me in line at the grocery store saw my lil cake and was like ‘oh whats the occasion?’ maam the occasion is i have adult money and enjoy cake