Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
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Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.