@HomeProbably

Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?

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@FeverFlave

Why does Mommy always say no?

Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.

@TheHyyyype

[before horsepower was invented]

car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:11:”thatUPSdude”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3022333640/5ea6ba9db8fde5cc05ad6cf7d9c52e36_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”329242784039063552″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”46″;s:5:”tweet”;s:86:”Give me that, let me show you how it’s done.

~Things I say before requiring stitches.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@OldSpookMan

I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”

@Browtweaten

Me: You said everything in here was edible

Willy Wonka: Yes, but-

Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut

@peteholmes

i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.

@Smooheed

Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states

Him: yeah?

*steals his car*

@1okhooker

I’m blocking anyone I think is funnier than me. If you see this you are safe.