Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
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*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
The Backseat Boys
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Never be a pizza!
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have neighbors who hand out vegetables for Halloween.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
those birds must be on payroll
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*