Who called them bad decisions and not instinks?
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I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
People clown on Sun Tzu for giving really basic and obvious advice but keep in mind that emperors and nobles at the time were drinking mercury to become immortal. I think he knew his audience.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
I hydrated. Surrender now.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
Replying “cinnamon bun?” when your friend says she has a bun in the oven is wrong. I know this now, but in my defense I was craving Cinnabon.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
This was the best day of my life
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
How come the person who developed the algorithm that makes IMDB think Prison Break’s “More like this” should include Bing Bang Theory gets to keep their job?
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
I found your tweet-up…
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.