Who called them bad decisions and not instinks?
You Might Also Like
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Have we checked all food to see if exploding it makes it into something better or did we just stop with corn?
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.