Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
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Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
On a Zoom call at work today, a coworker said she was going on mute because she had found an emergency stash of biscuits, and was trying to eat them all before her kids came home. We all applauded.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
All-purpose flour out there like screw you single-use flours I can do anything
I was bored.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.