Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
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Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
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starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
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“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
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Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Welcome to the stomach
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop: