Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
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If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson