Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
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Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Always answer the door wearing a coat.
If you’re pleased to see them, tell them you’ve just got home.
If you don’t want them in, say you were just on your way out.
😁
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you