Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
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[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
As a child all I wanted was as to be a time traveller like my grandson and his grandson before him.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
in 3 months
[checking IMDb while watching Planet of The Apes] …oh, the zoo! That’s what I know him from!
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you