Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
You Might Also Like
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
PARKOUR
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.