@BigJDubz

Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?

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@funnweaver

My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.

@ParanoidParker

When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”

@donni

Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs

@karanbirtinna

Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.

@OfficeLinebcker

“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.

I’m doomed.

@UnFitz

[a duel]

Him: Choose your weapons.

Me: Um…banjos.

Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.

@Sassafrantz

Becky on FB is “too blessed to be stressed” so I told her that I slept with her boyfriend.

@pilau

My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!

Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.