My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
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When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
I just googled Magnum condoms and I swear I could hear Siri laughing.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
Him: Choose your weapons.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Becky on FB is “too blessed to be stressed” so I told her that I slept with her boyfriend.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.