Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
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But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
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Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
Realizing that someone else will be in charge of this shitshow is really a selling point for demon possession
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
“Let them fake cake”
Marie Internette
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.