Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
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Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
two unread emails:
– from HR: please fill out our anonymous survey
– from Boss: don’t forget about the survey, HR said you are the last one from our team
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
excuse me
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application