Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
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[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Very good news from my accountant
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
The officer looked pretty stupid when I asked him to show me the law that’s says I can’t have a rotisserie oven in my truck.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Insomnia is embarrassing. How can I be so bad at something that literally involves doing nothing?
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something