Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
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me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
