Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
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Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Rudolph with your nose so bright/help me find my phone tonight
Average Home Depot experience: 19 year old needs to page the store manager to ask which aisle the light bulbs are in
Average Ace Hardware experience: 79 year old walks you through every aisle of the store and after 4 hours you know how to build a house from the ground up
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”