Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
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Them: You should try keto
Me:
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
🤣😂🤣
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
The key to being remembered isn’t delivering some big all encompassing piece of wisdom, my grandpa taught me that pinching the tail of a shrimp helps you get all the meat out and now he briefly lives again each time I go shrimp mode (happens a lot)
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!
Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.