Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
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dads on road-trips be like
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.