Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
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GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
LMAO.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way