Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
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Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Passenger Announcement: For all those going to the yodelling competition in Geneva, please go to Gate 37 and form an orderly orderly orderly queue.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
i want to work in this restaurant
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it swim
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
Lmbo
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
if you have never had a true email job, you might think – “it’s an email job, surely that means everyone at least checks their email and replies somewhat promptly when needed” but you would be stunned, stunned I say, to find the truth