Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
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me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
I just move my scale to different parts of the bathroom floor until I like the number.
Tell me you get it…🤣
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Arctic Scientist: your résumé said you have worked your whole life in extreme cold
Me: no, what it says is I’ve been working my entire life with *lowers sunglasses* zero degrees…
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
“you have to sleep when the baby sleeps” but that’s when i go through the baby’s phone ???
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
The chart results are in…
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.