Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
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I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Icarus loved hot wings.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Guy: what do you know about crypto
Me: that’s a DC villain, right?
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color