Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
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SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
People ask you, “are you crazy”, and then get scared when you answer, “yes”.
Meteorologist: It’s going to get even hotter.
Me [on fire]: HOW
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
“Do you have a good reason for calling your wedding off?”
“I can’t say I do”
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
#have a #great #PancakeDay
