Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
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I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
My birth announcement for our third baby
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs