Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
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Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
I can’t believe people think eggplant is real.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.