Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
You Might Also Like
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.