Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
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by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
3% human
97% stress
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Would make a brilliant taxi driver
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
[going out]
other moms: have fun, be safe!
my mom: I don’t want to see you on Dateline later
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.