Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
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Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
me: did you have fun on your playdate?
my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with the Logan who’s my friend?
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
We don’t deserve birds.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Received some very disappointing news today
Had a picnic and got bitten by every insect known to man. Except for a lady bug, she just sat on my forehead and took a shit.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.