Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
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[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
[shakes fist at other fist]
Rooting for the overdog
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
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guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
joined a counterstrike game and no one was talking. second round i randomly meowed and a guy with the username “dog”, with a profile picture of a dog, called a vote kick and i was gone within 5 seconds. wtf lmao
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely