Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
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ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch right now refusing to clean bigger rooms.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
the devil works hard but the single multivitamin i take after making unhealthy choices for weeks works harder
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
This guy in CVS was FaceTime with his girl and she trying to direct him on what pads to get. He was so lost. I heard what she asked for and put it in the phone camera and she says “thank you girl” without even seeing my face 😂😂😂😂😂
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.