Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
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‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Wedding $600,000,000
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
person: ur a toxicologist? what’s the wildest poison u know
me: actually anything can be a poison in the right dose, even water or–
person: *losing interest*
me: *sighs* ok so there’s a poison that gives u smoking luminescent poop
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
School be like
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.