Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
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cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
when you order from DoorDastardly
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap