who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
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Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Become ungovernable.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
My teenage sons are basically the Stormtroopers of urination.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
