who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
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Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
I will never be a cocomelon parent you gone sit here n watch the wire season 4
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Psych meds aren’t enough anymore. Hit me with a shovel.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
girl broke up with me for talking like a old timey gangster. driving way too fast bc I’m so upset. Wouldn’t be surprised if the brass buttons turned the cherries on and pulled me over
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
scenes of unspeakable carnage
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
did it work
