Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
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i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
I am a man, a man with a cold, so I guess this is goodbye.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
me, naked wearing a hospital gown: should the opening be in the front?
dentist: ma’am that’s not necessary for a cavity filling
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
Sure, I have a talent for shirking, but it’s not like I didn’t have to work at it too.