Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
You Might Also Like
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
I went to collect my dracula costume, ready for Halloween. They handed me a Manchester United shirt instead.
I explained, “Sorry, you must have misheard me, I wanted to dress as a COUNT!” 🧛🏻♂️
Worth remembering.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT