Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
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What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding… Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with
“Welcome back everyone”
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Me: *buying bug spray* Is this good for ants?
Clerk: No. It kills them.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead