Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
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I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
15 passed his driver’s permit test today. so going forward this will now be a parent horror-comedy account.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.