Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
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Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
My car broke down between the marina and the Hallmark store.
Now, I’m stuck between a dock and a card place.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
I ate my exam paper. Which means that pretty soon I’ll pass the test.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.