Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
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Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Aw, crap. My airbnb has one of those cellars with a man locked in a cage who claims he’s just a normal man who was kidnapped but the property owner says he’s actually the devil in human disguise and if I let him out, his evil will end the world.
AND the wifi is spotty. Christ.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
I could compete in the Olympics, I just need to run or swim faster. I think it would be easy to do
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
long distance relationships can work if the 4 of you all truly trust each other.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters