Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
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The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
starting conversations with short people by saying “back when i was your height…”
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.