Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
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[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .