Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
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A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Brb my Sims are getting married
Just me and my debit card against the world
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Hamburger Hinderer.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”