@WhatsAGreenhorn

Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?

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@ErinChack

nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me

@tweetsauce

This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”

@CArmanthegirl

Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise

@Reverend_Scott

My favorite oxymorons:

1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.

@WarrenHolstein

Don’t cut yourselves ’cause Justin smokes pot, Beliebers. Cut yourselves ’cause you listen to Justin Bieber. (And aim for a major artery.)

@EndhooS

[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirt

Interviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?

@IamJackBoot

Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.

It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.

@StupiDucker

I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.

@Masquerage

I forgot my phone so I asked this guy what time it was. He said “time to get a watch” & laughed. So I kicked him in the balls. It was 6:30.