nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
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This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
Breaking: Fox News reports Obama is no longer a suspect.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Don’t cut yourselves ’cause Justin smokes pot, Beliebers. Cut yourselves ’cause you listen to Justin Bieber. (And aim for a major artery.)
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirt
Interviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
I forgot my phone so I asked this guy what time it was. He said “time to get a watch” & laughed. So I kicked him in the balls. It was 6:30.