who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
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“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
i like to flex on them by shrugging
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Bf dropped his head for a full 30 seconds of silence bc he was explaining the stock market crash to me and I sagely supplied “it’s because mercury went into retrograde yesterday”
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket