who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
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*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.