who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
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Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
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Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn