who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
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If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
cop: you’re under arrest
me: you’re under arrest
cop: what
me: get in the car
cop: yours or mine
me: yours
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Apparently telling your friends not to stress about their wedding because “it’s your first marriage” is not the right thing to say
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Eating Taco Bell shouldn’t count for calories because it’s not around long enough
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.