Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
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I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
🌱🌱🌱
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.