Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
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Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Meow
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
It’s on my to-do list.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
💀💀
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.