Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
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ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
