Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
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I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Blocking someone isn’t enough; I want them to step in water with their socks on.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”