Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
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My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Facebook is so funny. It’s a group called Black Jeep owners and a white man posted him and his black jeep and said “totally misunderstood the group name but I’m rolling w it. I love it here.” 💀💀
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket…
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.