who can I pay to hit me in the head with a baseball bat so I go into a coma for exactly 2 weeks and one day
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The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Webb. James Webb.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
My loaf of bread looks terrified
“Ooh you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: I could make toast by placing bread on your face.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
I’ve never completed a marathon, but I’ve listened to my mom tell a story, so don’t talk to me about endurance.
customer: your darkest roast please
barista: god created amnesia bc of you
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
“what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” oh it’s ok you can just kill me next time
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
Sir!!
