who can I pay to hit me in the head with a baseball bat so I go into a coma for exactly 2 weeks and one day
You Might Also Like
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: I was raised in a working-class family…
Godzilla represents a desire in all of us for our reputation to shift from being seen as a baddie to a good guy while changing our behaviour in no way, shape or form.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but, your fingers will never get sticky if you eat your chicken wings while you’re taking a bubble bath
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Unmatched
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around