who can I pay to hit me in the head with a baseball bat so I go into a coma for exactly 2 weeks and one day
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I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
husband: Now is the time to start prepping for dinner, what do we want to get out?
me: How about a pork loin? I think pork loin is my favorite thing that you make.
17yo: I thought we were your favorite thing Dad made.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Just found a WhatsApp message to my friends from 2014 when I was living near Central Park. Little did I know it was a Kennedy
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
I know I’m almost 40 because I had a few drinks last night and woke up this morning thinking: Oh no I bought SO MANY SOCKS online last night.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.