Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?

Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.

If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them

The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.

Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”

Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.

Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”

Shark: *eats cop*

Judge: Approach the bench.

Cat Lawyer:

Judge: pspspsps

[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head

I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘

Me: Do that thing that I like

Cop: I’m not frisking you again

“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”

– Viruses

“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”

-second degree burn

shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?

Medusa: absolutely not

One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.

No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.

My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.

her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?

me: I’ll just call the pizza guy

her: ok

[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagna

me: love it

New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.

Twin: ya know how we always-

Me: -finish each other’s sentences!

Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER

Twin: so I had an idea…

Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…

DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish

SNAIL WIFE: Oh no

HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT

Label: Non-habit forming

Me: Challenge accepted

DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush

ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing

That de-escalated quickly

Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about

ok but what if they had media literacy
(this was funnier in my head)

COP: Know why I pulled you over?

ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?

COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-

Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.