Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spice up grocery lists for your partner:

Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea

Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.

Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.

As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.

The prophecy is fulfilled

911 what’s your emergency?

Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me

911: How is that an emergency?

Me: It’s attached to her gun

{Pixar Meet & Greet}

Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish

[during sex]

HER: can you turn off the light

ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet

*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*

ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir

BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job

when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold

Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day

Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.

I’m going to run errands, need anything?

“Yes, some new light bulbs”

Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?

“And a good divorce lawyer”

ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones

CORONER: what the hell have you done

When my wife says “Guess what today is.”

My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends

Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.

Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’

I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.

imagine being one of those monkeys climbing a tree after living in a cage, bet it blew their little monkey minds

hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit

dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*

Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.

Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*

Cashier: Do you have chickens?

Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.

This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely

[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT

Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never!

[in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]