Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
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Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
jesus christ confetti not now
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
I have two kinds of followers
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.