Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
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Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads