I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
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If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message